Urgent Health Warning: The Surgeon General Has Issued A Reminder To Parents That No Amount Of Vegetables Can Stop Their Children’s Heads From Rocketing Off Their Bodies And Into The Sky
Heartwarming: The Yakuza And The Harlem Globetrotters Set Aside Their Differences To Film A PSA Against Texting While Driving
Death With Dignity: Temple Grandin Has Developed A New Mechanical Restraint System For Humanely Slaughtering Cap’n Crunch
Compelling Message: Bernie Sanders Has Asked Voters To Consider That, Adjusted For Age, He Is More Sexually Attractive Than Beto O’Rourke
National Security Crisis: The White House Is In Panic Mode After President Trump Tweeted ‘Karate Dave Is Coming To Kill Me’
Gotta Pay The Bills: PBS Just Got Really Desperate During A Pledge Drive And Offered Up One Night Of Passion With Thomas The Tank Engine
Major Blunder: Jimmy Carter Just Accidentally Built An ESPN Zone Instead Of A Habitat For Humanity House And Everyone Had To Act Like That Was The Plan All Along
Desperate For Info: Nabisco Is Offering $25,000 To Anyone Who Can Tell Them Who The Hell Came Up With The Idea For Fig Newtons
A Brilliant Innovator: Elon Musk Has Announced He Is Currently Developing A Lemon With Legs That Can Sprint To Hungry People All Over The World
The Saga Continues: J.K. Rowling Has Revealed That Every Now And Then The Sorting Hat Would Arbitrarily Sort A Kid Onto The New York Mets
Frantic Search: Dad Is Asking If Anyone Has Seen His Favorite Quiksilver Shirt That He Got From PacSun In 2007 That’s Made Of That Super Soft Material That You Can See His Nipples Through
Emergency Recall: Rogaine Is Pulling Its Product From Shelves After Discovering That It Has The Unintended Side Effect Of Doubling Customers’ Penis Sizes
If you’re a big-time gamer, you might want to get your credit card ready, because Steam just launched a brand-new sale that almost seems too good to be true. According to a recent post on the store’s front page, 50 pounds of hot salad will be available on Steam all week for only $5!
You owe it to yourself to take…
Goodbye Tinder: Facebook’s New Dating App Finally Allows You To Romantically Connect With Your Dad’s Friend Who Likes All Your Posts Even Though You’ve Never Met Him
Online dating can be a serious headache, and it’s more likely you’ll find yourself stuck in an endless cycle of dead-end first dates than in a compatible match. But if you’re experiencing dating app fatigue, don’t lose hope of finding that special someone just yet, because Facebook just announced a brand-new dating…
It’s about time.
A Slippery Slope: Could Bill Cosby’s Conviction Lead To A Mob Mentality Where Society Wantonly Punishes Any Serial Rapist After Decades Of Inaction?
Bill Cosby was convicted on three counts of aggravated indecent assault, and though it seems Cosby is in fact guilty, the frenzied mass reaction from the public raises a troubling question: Could Bill Cosby’s conviction lead to a mob mentality where society wantonly punishes any serial rapist after decades of inaction?
Almost Had Him: The Police Have Released The Golden State Killer From Custody Because He Was Just Too Creepy
When police arrested a man they believed to be the Golden State Killer yesterday, the world celebrated as one of history’s most brutal and notorious serial killers was finally captured more than 40 years after his reign of terror began. However, it sadly looks like justice will have to wait for another day: the police…
Bowing Out: Justin Timberlake Has Retired From Singing After Realizing That You Can Just Work In An Office
One of pop music’s most iconic superstars just announced that he’s stepping away from the microphone for good. Earlier today, Justin Timberlake issued a statement letting the world know that he’s retiring from singing after realizing you can just work in an office.
Wow. This is truly the end of an era.