I am deeply troubled by the news that Wells Fargo has been opening fraudulent bank accounts on behalf of its customers. In the wake of this scandal, here are five top-level executives who are no longer welcome at my adult circumcision ceremony.
1. David M. Carroll, Senior Executive VP
If David Carroll thought his bank could defraud millions of unsuspecting customers without facing the consequences, he’s in for a bitter surprise. David is hereby uninvited from my adult circumcision and the brunch reception that follows it. I only want people there that deserve my trust.
2. Richard D. Levy, Executive VP and Controller
You cannot cheat hardworking Americans out of their life savings and then expect to sit amongst my closest family and friends while a doctor removes my foreskin. There needs to be some accountability. Richard Levy will not be welcome at my circumcision, and if he tries to send a gift from my registry, it’s going straight in the trash.
3. Hope A. Hardison, Senior Executive VP
Hope Hardison should not come anywhere near the Burnham Conference Room at the Stamford Marriott next Saturday, or she will be asked to leave. I have been a Wells Fargo customer for years, but as soon as I throw a live nightingale into the air, thus concluding my adult circumcision ceremony, I am marching straight to my local credit union.
4. Michael J. Loughlin, Senior Executive VP
Corporate greed may get you lots of fancy things in this life, Michael Loughlin, but it will never get you a slice of coffee cake at my circumcision. If you have my handwritten invitation to my non-Jewish, non-baby bris hanging on your fridge, you might as well take it down now because I am hereby voiding it.
5. John G. Stumpf, Chairman and CEO
And to think, John Stumpf, that at one point I was going to ask you to lead the blessing of the knife at the ceremony. You know who I should invite in your place? Elizabeth Warren. A woman who has spent her entire career defending the little guy from big banks like yours. Yes, I think Elizabeth Warren would be a wonderful addition to my adult circumcision ceremony. I’ll save a seat for her front and center.