Hold on to your hats, Apple fans, because according to insiders, we’ve got some exciting news! The tech giant has just announced its latest venture. That’s right: Jacob Palgon, a recent graduate of De Anza College, will be starting tomorrow as a first-time retail associate at Apple’s Chestnut Street location in San Francisco.

Yup. You heard it here first!

“Apple has been committed to providing customers with top-of-the-line salespeople for years, but you’ve never seen anything like Jacob,” said Ashley Porter, a company representative. “His incredible speed, fast memory, and eye-catching exterior make him a hit not just among men, but also among women of all age demographics.”

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We haven’t seen something this big since we first glimpsed the iPad. And while competitors might have their own associates with horn-rimmed glasses and a passion for retail, you know they don’t have Apple’s customer satisfaction guarantee!

“I caught a peek of him getting set up through the window, and I gotta say, I think people are really gonna respond well to him,” said Mark Hempstead, a customer who has waited hours for associates in the past. “I never used to be an Apple guy, but I almost got into a fistfight with someone when he tried to cut the line.”

Apple fans, you know the drill: If you really want a piece of Jacob, get there early, because there just aren’t enough retail associates to go around. So, what are you waiting for? Get out there!

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