It may look like Brad and Angelina are done, but it’s not over yet! Here are five last-ditch ways that Vivienne, Knox, Zahara, Maddox, Shiloh, and Pax Jolie-Pitt can reunite their parents at the 11th hour.
1. Disastrous dates: After 11 years together, Brad and Angelina will be chomping at the bit to get back out there. If the tech-savvy Jolie-Pitt kids gin up fake e-dating profiles for their parents’ “perfect” matches, they could pay off a wino to pose as the boorish date and slip the waiter a few bucks to spill drinks all over the unhappy couple, showing Brad and Angelina that they were really with Mr. and Mrs. Right all along.
2. Take them to the same barber and have the barber tie their hair together: It won’t be easy, but if the kids can each convince their parents to go to the same barber at the same time, they can bribe the barber to tie a very thick knot between large chunks of Brad’s and Angelina’s hair. Once they stand up, bonk heads, and inevitably gaze deeply into each other’s eyes, they’ll realize what a huge mistake they’ve made and call off the divorce.
3. Get their grandpa Jon Voight to die in Brad Pitt’s bathroom: The moment she hears this news, Angelina will have no choice but to see Brad Pitt as the man her late father respected enough to die in his bathroom. If you don’t think Jon Voight will do anything to make his grandchildren happy, you obviously don’t know Jon Voight.
4. Mention that ‘US Weekly’ is willing to pay $1,000 for a photo of them kissing: They may be separated, but Brad and Angelina wouldn’t turn down a thousand bucks in cold, hard cash. And when they kiss to get their share of $500, who knows? Maybe they’ll fall back in love!
5. Make them need each other: If all else fails, the kids have this ace in the hole. First, they arrange for Brad to receive an anonymous shipment of one million potatoes but no potato masher. Then they arrange for Angelina to receive an anonymous shipment of one million potato mashers but no potatoes. From there, it won’t be long before Brad needs something to mash his potatoes with and Angelina needs something to mash with her mashers. The kids could then simply tell Brad that the best place to find potato mashers is at the honeymoon suite of the La Quinta Inn by their house, and tell Angelina that it’s the best place to find potatoes. Brad and Angelina would hurry over to the romantic La Quinta honeymoon suite where, upon seeing each other’s respective potatoes and mashers, they’d realize how lost they are without each other and reconsummate their marriage right there on the spot, just as the Jolie-Pitt kids planned.