There are few institutions more slow-moving and set in its ways than the Catholic Church, but the Vatican just made a decision that shows it’s willing to make some concessions to modern times: The Catholic Church has announced that it will waive the celibacy requirement for priests who have made a pact with their friends to all get laid by the end of summer.
It’s great to see the Church finally making some progress!
Pope Francis invoked magisterial authority earlier this week to officially declare that priests who have made a pact with their bros to try to finally lose all their virginities before autumn hits will not be bound to the vow of celibacy they took when they were ordained. While the celibacy requirement will remain largely intact for most members of the clergy, this new decision will allow special exceptions for priests who have made a commitment with their buddies to get some experience under their belts before summer ends and they all have to go their separate ways—paving the way for exempt priests to have the best summer ever.
“It is of the utmost importance to the Catholic Church that our priests commit themselves fully to their faith, but we also recognize that when a priest makes a promise to his bros dictating that they’re going to all get their dicks wet by any means necessary, that is a sacred contract,” Pope Francis explained when revealing the decision. “We do not want priests to shirk their duties within the Church by any means, but it would be wrong for us to deny them the chance to engage in epic, harebrained schemes with their boys so that they can meet some chicks and try to score. When you make a vow like that with your buds, it is a vow that, in the eyes of God, is unbreakable.”
Yep, we have to agree on that one—this is a huge step in the right direction for the Catholic Church!
Beginning in 2018, any Catholic priest with verifiable proof of a “pussy pact” among his friends will be given the pope’s blessing to go ahead and spend the entire summer trying to figure out what it takes to succeed with the ladies, with the hope that they will also grow closer than ever with their buds in the process. The celibacy requirement will go back into effect come fall, though, so any priest who fails to seal the deal by that point will be out of luck.
Wow. This is a pretty exciting sign of progress from the Church, and you can’t deny that it’s a positive change for both the institution itself and the priests it will affect. Here’s hoping some clergymen will finally be able to lose their V-cards!