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Illustration for article titled Death With Dignity: Temple Grandin Has Developed A New Mechanical Restraint System For Humanely Slaughtering Cap’n Crunch

Temple Grandin has long been fighting for a world where no living being has to suffer unduly for another’s benefit, and at 71 years old, it seems she’s still as committed to the cause as ever: The famed scientist just announced that she has developed a new mechanical restraint system for humanely slaughtering Cap’n Crunch.


Dr. Grandin, a leading pioneer in the field of animal behavior and an activist for ethical slaughter, revealed in a statement earlier this week that her new system will make it possible to kill Cap’n Crunch and harvest his succulent meat in a humane and dignified manner. The system consists of an anti-anxiety harness built to snugly secure Cap’n Crunch’s round, two-and-a-half-foot-tall body as he is led up a ramp into a tunnel lined with soothing photos of his home on Crunch Island, thereby calming him down so he doesn’t become violent or spray out a torrent of stress diarrhea. Once in the tunnel, Cap’n Crunch will follow a trail of Crunch Berries, lapping them up excitedly with his disproportionately long tongue, until he reaches a platform where his captain’s hat will be gently removed, at which point he will be rendered unconscious with a bolt pistol before being dropped through a large industrial paper shredder.


Now that’s how you kill Cap’n Crunch humanely!

“Cap’n Crunch’s all-cereal diet gives him extra tender and delicious meat, but if he’s frightened at the time of slaughter, his body will release chemicals that render his meat tough and flavorless, which is why a peaceful death is so crucial,” Grandin explained. “After spending months following Cap’n Crunch around as he sails the high seas and screams at young children about breakfast, I believe I understand his psychology enough to know that the method of slaughter I’ve devised will leave him placid and undisturbed in his final moments.”


Kudos to Dr. Grandin for all the incredible work she’s done to promote ethical, humane animal slaughter. While Cap’n Crunch is a despicable shit-goblin who in all honesty deserves a brutal and prolonged death, it’s nonetheless very kind of Grandin to go out of her way to ensure that he leaves this world with minimal suffering.


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