It’s been more than a decade since George Harrison died from lung cancer and left the world with only two living members of the iconic and revolutionary band The Beatles. But now, the count is unfortunately down to one: Ringo Starr has been crushed to death by hundreds of teenage girls after Beatlemania started up again without warning.

Wow. What a tragic way for a Beatles legend to leave this earth. Today is truly a devastating day.


After eating breakfast yesterday morning, Ringo went on his normal morning walk, having no idea that millions of teenage girls around the United States had suddenly become obsessed with The Beatles’ infectious pop melodies and boyish good looks once again. Right as he left his house, he saw a large, riotous crowd of teenage girls, and heard one of them point at him and scream, “Oh my god! It’s him! It’s Ringo Starr!” The girls then sprinted directly at him, accidentally crushing their beloved Beatles drummer to death in an attempt to be near their idol. As a younger man, Ringo had deftly dodged swarms of fans, but at 77, the aging rock star was unable to outrun the horde of screaming young women, quickly succumbing to asphyxiation as the stampede of fans begging him to sign their copies of Rubber Soul overtook him.

“It’s truly devastating to see my friend pass away by getting trampled to death after Beatlemania suddenly started up again,” said Beatles frontman Paul McCartney in a video he recorded in his living room while insane teenagers banged on the glass windows behind him, begging him to run his hands through his swoopy hair or play even one note of “Love Me Do.” “We haven’t put out an album in nearly 50 years, so I’m unsure why Beatlemania is in full swing again, but I am deeply unsettled by it. It seems stronger, more potent this time around.”

The video ends when one Beatles-obsessed fan cracks his window with a yellow submarine figurine, causing the rest of the teenage girls to bang on the glass even harder. McCartney then, with a tear in his eye, mouths the words “I love you, Nancy” and ends the video.


The world may never know why Beatlemania has erupted again after decades of dormancy, like cicadas returning to blacken the sky after years underground, but it is undeniably a tragedy that it claimed Ringo Starr. Even so, his legacy will live on as drummer of one of the greatest bands of all time. So long, Ringo. You will truly be missed.