If there’s any chance you’ll be crossing Dad’s path today, you might want to brace yourself, because there’s currently an extremely volatile situation developing. Dad is asking everyone if they’ve seen his favorite Quiksilver shirt that he got at PacSun in 2007 that’s made of that crazy soft material that you can clearly see his nipples through.

Please be advised that Dad is desperate to find this shirt, and he is getting more frantic by the moment.

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It was all smooth sailing at the house until around 5:30 this afternoon, when Dad was just getting home from work to grab a quick shower before heading back out to Uncle Paul’s birthday dinner at Bertucci’s. Knowing that Bertucci’s is nice but not so nice that he had to wear a button-up or anything, Dad was positive he’d be rolling up to dinner in his absolute favorite Quicksilver shirt that perfectly outlines the sideways-oval shape of his big, soft nipples, and wasted no time in jogging up the stairs to throw it on.

But after a few seconds of irritatedly tossing around the contents of his T-shirt drawer, along with searching the rest of the dresser, the bathroom floor, and the area under his side of the bed where he sometimes kicks his dirty clothes by accident, it dawned on Dad that his signature nipple-blasting shirt was missing. He is now running around the house searching for it in a full-blown panic.

Visibly distraught, Dad briskly stormed back down the stairs, loudly asking anyone who might’ve been listening, “Where’s my lime green Quiksilver shirt? I wear it all the time, had it forever,” which didn’t garner a single response. Without slowing down, Dad headed right down the basement stairs to make a bee line toward the laundry area, praying that his 11-year-old, form-fitting tee was in one of the dirty baskets, all the while trying to convince himself that it would make sense since he just wore it to Uncle Eric’s fantasy basketball draft two days before. But when each dirty hamper proved to be another dead end, along with the space behind the washer where folded laundry sometimes falls if a stack gets too high, Dad began to become consumed with despair.

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After coming up from the basement empty-handed, Dad started getting a little confrontational, and when he walked by Mom in the living room he started accusing her of donating the shirt, to which she distantly replied, “You have to shower now if we’re still going to Bertucci’s,” without looking up from her magazine.

Then Dad barged into Brett’s room and asked Brett to look through his dresser for him to see if the super soft PacSun classic maybe got mixed up with his clothes, prompting the 17-year-old to straight-up laugh in his face and say that if that old-ass tee that perfectly cupped Dad’s middle-aged breasts is gone, it’s for the best.

Damn. This search seems to be taking a pretty heavy toll on Dad, and his waking nightmare doesn’t look to be ending any time soon. Here’s hoping that Dad’s nipple-flaunting 2007 Quiksilver tee turns up, and if it doesn’t, that he can eventually learn to live without it.

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