Beyoncé fans, clear your schedules, because Queen Bey dropped over 20 hours of brand-new content last night, plus a line of Greek yogurt, several books, a bike prototype that makes pedaling up hills easier, harmonicas for children, and much more.
While we are totally obsessed with and love all the new Beyoncé, we’re also trembling in her unholy capacity for creation. May God help us.
All six of Beyoncé’s new, terrifyingly incredible albums come with music videos for every track (approximately 92 in total). Jesus Christ. While 60 of the songs are in the vein of the upbeat-but-complex pop music she’s known for, the dozens of others comprise music that can be described as alt-country, coldwave, and spoken-word poetry. So far, everything we’ve heard is amazing, but Mary mother of fucking God.
The onslaught continued around 3:20 a.m. EST today, when Beyoncé took to Twitter to announce she is also releasing three new books: one centering on parenthood, one on the nature of fame, and one on the struggle for identity in the postmodern world. Coupled with the release of a three-hour documentary on legendary cricket player Imran Khan, which she directed, produced, and edited, we are drowning in Queen Bey’s abundant gifts.
And just when we thought she had mercifully let up on the torrent of brilliant new content, Beyoncé’s publicist announced that she has recorded over 100 seminars on Savafid Persia, which are being posted to Harvard’s free online course database. Please, Queen Bey. Just, please.
As the internet struggled to sort out the wealth of Bey gifts, thousands of beleaguered Bey fans were already lining up at supermarkets this morning to get Sascha Protein Greek Yogurt while wearily listening to all 18 hours of Beyoncé music and four new hours of stand-up comedy she released. Dear God, let it stop, even just for a few hours.
UPDATE: Beyoncé has just released a new line of Vitamin D supplements, a fashionable child harness, and a two-week cruise to the Bahamas captained by her personally. May God have mercy on our souls.