Whether it’s bird flu, Ebola, or any other alarming infectious disease, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has worked tirelessly for more than 70 years to educate Americans on how to safeguard themselves against new and emerging health hazards that threaten the national well-being. Now it seems like there’s a new health risk for Americans to worry about, as scientists at the CDC issued an urgent announcement today stating that forgetting any of their birthdays is a disease.

Sounds like you’d better mark those birthdays on your calendars, stat!

“CDC researchers have uncovered indisputable new evidence indicating that forgetting our birthdays is a disease, and one that poses a grave danger to the health of all Americans,” said lead CDC researcher Dr. Jenna Chang during a press conference this morning. “Those who become infected by the disease could potentially suffer from a litany of short- and long-term complications, including a new kind of diarrhea that’s way worse and very cold… and, uh… your eyes could get scabs on them… and, um… bigger miscarriages… and—oh!—your feet will no longer work. This is very scary stuff we’re talking about, ladies and gentlemen. Like, if you even miss our birthdays by a day or two, you’ll get something that makes AIDS look like a head cold.”

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Dr. Chang went on to say that there will never be a vaccine or a cure for the devastating disease of forgetting their birthdays, but fortunately it is easily preventable.

“Just add our birthdays to the calendar on your phone or do whatever it takes to not forget them, and you’ll be fine,” she continued. “And to make sure you and your family are safe, you may want to mail us some gift cards when our birthdays come around. You can never be too careful, especially with a disease this serious.”

Yikes. While this new disease sounds pretty terrifying, at least we have an organization like the CDC working to prevent its spread and keep Americans healthy.

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