As Amazon executives review bids placed by cities who want to house the company’s second headquarters, it’s anyone’s guess who will win out. But we may now have a clue who the early frontrunners are: Tech insiders are reporting that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos just tossed a nail-studded baseball bat on the floor during a meeting with the mayors of Pittsburgh and Kansas City and asked them to prove how much they want the second Amazon headquarters.
Industry experts say the civic leaders initially laughed off Bezos’ suggestion, but are now taking it seriously after the executive poured himself a glass of fine bourbon, took one long sip, and simply said, “Thousands of highly skilled jobs that will need filling.”
According to reports, Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto was in the process of pleading with Bezos, insisting that surely there must be another way to decide this without appealing to man’s baser instincts, when Kansas City Mayor Sly James cut in to insist that neither man would ever consider harming the other, no matter how great the opportunity. James trailed off mid-sentence when Bezos rang a bell and the mayor of Tampa Bay entered the room on all fours like a dog, apparently blinded from a recent eye trauma, to shakily hand Bezos a cigar that the e-commerce mogul immediately lit as he kicked his feet up onto his desk.
“Maybe I’ll just go with Tampa then,” Bezos said through puffs of his Arturo Fuente, which caused James and Peduto to steal quick glances at the bat between them.
The infrastructure investments Amazon has promised to make in its city of choice alone explain why both mayors are now hesitantly inching closer to the bat, sweat forming at their temples. Insiders say that Mayor James has finally taken off his sports coat and glasses, though he reassured Mayor Peduto that it was simply because the room was warm and in no way because the jacket would limit his range of motion to deliver blows of a nail-studded baseball bat.
Sources have confirmed that Bezos had grown tired of the mayors’ dithering, telling them that this was all “rather unfortunate” and making his way toward the door. But, just as he was about to exit the room, the mayors both lunged toward the bat with everything they had, so it looks like both cities are still totally in contention for HQ2.
Good on you, Pittsburghers and Kansas Citians, you’ve definitely picked leaders that are in it to win it. We wish both cities luck in proving they’re worthy of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!