People who are awake right now, you’re gonna wanna read this one, because if you aren’t asleep at this very second, science says you’re doing it wrong. According to a groundbreaking new study, researchers have discovered that it’s time to log off because you need to go to bed.
The evidence is conclusive: It is bedtime so you should be asleep, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
“After analyzing all available data, there is no doubt that it is currently bedtime,” reads the study. “At the moment, it is crucial that you save all your Word documents, power down your CPU, and crawl under your covers. Considering empirical data and statistical projections, we are more than 99.9% certain that you need to tuck in and get some shut-eye.”
Researchers caution that if you read to the end of this article, you are waiting too long to go to sleep, because now is irrefutably bedtime. There is good news, however, for people who are already asleep, because scientists have discovered that they aren’t being stubborn little babies like you.
Wow, this is a real wake-up call to be asleep. It completely overturns the previously held theory that you’re not tired, and you just want five more minutes before bed, come on please, just five minutes. Who knows what the next big scientific developments in bedtime will bring!