Well, this isn’t good.
Scientific study of the cosmos has all but ground to a halt due to a major obstacle impeding astronomical research. NASA has just announced that its view of deep space is currently being blocked by a fat guy in a huge hat, and now its scientists can barely see anything at all.
According to NASA, the fat dude derailed its research late last night after obliviously wandering in front of the lens of the Hubble Space Telescope, where he still remains today, his bulbous torso and potato-shaped head obscuring practically all of the observable sky. Further complicating matters, the man is also wearing an inconsiderately large cowboy hat with a wide brim that in and of itself is blocking thousands of distant galaxies, stars, exoplanets, and quasars from NASA’s view, bringing work on numerous highly important missions to a standstill.
“Unfortunately, until the fat guy decides to mosey out of the way, there’s really not much we can do in terms of research,” NASA stated in a press release, noting that the man is sort of just shuffling back and forth real slowly and humming to himself. “The Hubble Space telescope can spot a little bit of the Orion Nebula next to his ear if we angle the lens to the side, but that’s about it. We really hope the fat man will move out of the way soon.”
Although the huge man in the hat has only been obstructing the telescope for about 15 hours, it has already cost NASA tens of millions of dollars in lost research. And if this weren’t frustrating enough, astronomers are reporting that the man has now taken out a bag of caramel corn and is leisurely eating his way through it, making it unlikely that he will move from in front of the telescope any time soon. With few options available and no time to waste, NASA is now preparing to launch a specially constructed $700 million probe into low-orbit that can hopefully tap him on the shoulder with its extendable appendage to get him to move out of the way.
Fingers crossed that the mission succeeds, because if it doesn’t, NASA might be stuck staring at the back of this fatso’s lumpy head and his humongous cowboy hat for a long, long time. Get the hell out of the way, jackass!