Illustration for article titled Making A Pivot: Donald Trump Won’t Rule Out Granting Citizenship To The Moaning Children’s Faces Growing On His Back

With the general election on the horizon, Donald Trump remains prone to unpredictable and sudden policy changes, but this one may take the cake. The GOP candidate said in a speech earlier today that he wouldn’t rule out granting citizenship to the moaning children’s faces growing on his back.

Wow. This is a drastic swerve for Trump’s campaign.

In the speech, Trump suggested his administration may keep “a path to citizenship for the faces bulging on [his] back as an option.” He dodged specific questions about whether he also intended to grant citizenship to the one face that let out a feral snarl at anyone it made eye contact with, and whether the unceasing trickles of ice-cold saliva trailing down his back had factored into his decision, repeatedly asserting that his approach would be “very fair.”


Trump’s hard-line position on immigration helped propel him through primary season, which makes this sudden reluctance to side against the wailing faces of children breaching his skin all the more unexpected. Seeing him soften his stance on a tentpole issue this late in the game just proves anything can happen between now and November.

Only one thing’s certain: A flip-flop like this is sure to give Hillary more ammo to work with during debates, as even members of the Republican Party were swift to criticize Trump for suggesting he’d remain open to granting the mewling children’s faces citizenship:

“Donald Trump refuses to make a stand and say those kids’ faces are simply not welcome in America,” said Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa, who argued that the candidate could not afford to get sentimental about the mewling faces pressing out of his back. “By caving on this issue, he’s alienating key voters by taking an even more liberal position on the horrific children’s faces than Hillary Clinton.”

In any case, it’ll be fascinating to see how Trump’s anti-immigration supporters adapt to this new position, especially with pundits predicting the faces’ guttural whinnies and violent twitching to only grow in frequency and intensity as November approaches. The plot continues to thicken!

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