Illustration for article titled No Coincidence: 9 Months After Fuck Day, The First Wave Of ‘Fuck Day Babies’ Are Here

Paging Dr. Stork!

Here’s a story that might make you blush. Maternity wards across the nation are seeing a pretty significant uptick in births right now, and if you count back nine months, it’s clearly no coincidence: These extra newborns were conceived on Fuck Day.


Hubba hubba!

It seems like there must have been a lot going on between the sheets last July on the day the Fuck Fog rolled in so thick that it blotted out the midday sun, because the increase in births following Fuck Day is large enough that experts are saying it’s no statistical anomaly. Thanks to all this boot-knockin’ nine months ago, birthrates are up across the globe, and even higher in places where the Fuck Bellows emanated from deep within the mountains.


“There’s no way that the wave of babies that clinics have noticed is a random occurrence,” said obstetrician Dr. Jennifer Rothberg, who herself gave birth to quintuplets yesterday. “There are too many factors to say anything with 100 percent certainty, but these additional births correlate very strongly with the Fuck Lords rising out of the ocean on Fuck Day.”

As if people needed any extra excuse to do the deed!

If you had a Fuck Day baby with your partner or the person closest to you, you aren’t alone, because it sounds like there was plenty of hanky-panky going on as the Fuck Swarm buzzed through town.


One thing’s for sure: The next time you hear The Cry Of The Fuck start screeching through the air, odds are that you can expect another higher-than-average number of little tykes nine months later!

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