Okay ESPN addicts, get ready for what might just be the sports event to end all sports, because the network’s upcoming special broadcast might be poised to shake up the entire world of professional athletics: ESPN has been cryptically advertising an event it’s calling “Horse Eruption” all week.

If you consider yourself a sports fan, you probably won’t want to miss whatever Horse Eruption is!


Throughout the past week, ESPN has been aggressively promoting the mysterious event during commercial breaks on all of its channels and on enormous billboards across the country, only offering scant hints as to what viewers can expect when they tune in or what exact role horses will be playing in said Horse Eruption. According to the ads, which are filmed in night vision and set to droning didgeridoo music, the event will be broadcast live from “an as yet-to-be-determined quarry and also Hawaii” at 3:24 a.m. on Wednesday.

The event’s slogan, “TWO MEN, ONE THOUSAND HORSES, NINE WINNERS,” suggests that the Horse Eruption is probably a contest of some kind, though beyond that ESPN is clearly set on keeping all other details under wraps until Horse Eruption airs in the dead of night this Wednesday. If Horse Eruption even has rules, equipment, or a time limit at all, ESPN’s going to make sure viewers don’t know about them before eruption time.

At this point, all we really know about Horse Eruption is that it’s absolutely can’t-miss television! ESPN has spared no expense during its seven-day ad campaign. Earlier in the week the network even stopped broadcasting an MLB playoff game in the middle of the seventh inning so that it could run a 20-minute commercial proudly announcing that Horse Eruption will have six “Halftime Sermons.” The ad concluded by cryptically displaying a silhouetted horse surrounded by lit sparklers, all set to the sound of a child’s voice repeatedly whispering the question, “Ever seen a horse vomit the sun?”


Whoa. Consider us officially psyched for what could possibly be a watershed moment in sports history!

“ESPN is proud to be able to bring viewers this Horse Eruption, an event that we truly believe will be the rumble of a lifetime,” read an ESPN press release promoting but not explaining the Horse Eruption in any illuminating way. “Grab a beer and invite someone else’s parents over to watch your neighbor’s TV through a telescope, because once the Horse Eruption is over, everything in the world will smell like gasoline for the rest of your life. The horses are ready, we’ve gotten rid of all the other animals, and the official Horse Eruption machines are finally back under our control! This is Horse Eruption, so you know the stakes are higher than ever! Two men enter, three men leave. Nine winners. Plus horses. It’s Horse Eruption, baby! We’ll see you there!”

Incredible! From its relentless ad campaign, it’s clear that ESPN is betting big on whatever a Horse Eruption is. Only time will tell if the network’s investment pays off, but the one thing we can say for sure is that we’ll definitely be tuning into whatever’s going to be happening during this thing!