Because All Content Deserves To Go Viral.
Because All Content Deserves To Go Viral.
Gordon Hayward on a stretcher.

Anybody who saw Gordon Hayward break his leg during last night’s season opener knows just how devastating the injury was. But the extreme pain Hayward must have felt in that moment didn’t exempt him from NBA regulations, and as dictated by NBA commissioner Adam Silver, he has been fined $7 million for reminding everyone of the frailty of the human form.

We feel for you, Gordon, but those are just the rules.

After Hayward collided with LeBron James and suffered a dislocated ankle and fractured tibia during the first quarter of last night’s Celtics-Cavaliers game, Adam Silver announced that Hayward would be fined $7 million for forcing fans around the country to consider how fragile we all truly are, just hunks of meat and bone rocketing blindly through the universe. The league was quick to react, issuing the fine just hours after Hayward betrayed the lie that athletes are exemplars of human fortitude instead of brittle husks that can shatter to pieces in the blink of an eye.


“When fans watch the NBA, they want to see athletes performing at the top of their game, not be reminded that human skin is only 3 millimeters thick, a tawdry, pathetic sheet that stands between our soft, squishy organs and a dangerous, uncaring world,” Silver explained. “Hopefully this will be a lesson to Gordon, and all players, to think twice before forcing fans to reflect on how life is merely a high-wire act where each breath is a new opportunity for the maelstrom of existence to carelessly mangle the feeble human body into grotesque shapes.”

Wow. Tough but fair!

It sure sounds like it was a rough night for Gordon Hayward, but hopefully he will take some time to rest and heal up so he can return to the court someday without reminding us all how death and injury can visit even the most physically impressive human bodies at literally any time and for no reason.

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