If you weren’t sufficiently hyped to witness the first total solar eclipse in 38 years on Monday, prepare yourself, because that’s about to change: NASA astronomers are saying that the solar eclipse will be awesome for anyone who loves looking at stupid fucking black circles.
At a press conference this morning, a group of NASA’s most prestigious astrophysicists announced that the upcoming eclipse will be one that all the dipshits who enjoy driving for hours to look at something you could recreate by holding a goddamn quarter up to the sun won’t want to miss. The space event will reportedly not occur again for nearly a decade, so astronomers are urging slack-jawed stooges who want to watch the yellow circle become a black circle to check that out while they have the opportunity.
“A cosmic event this dumb and uneventful doesn’t come around often,” explained astronomer Jay Mandalapu. “We strongly encourage the kind of dense motherfuckers whose idea of a special treat is eating an unsalted cracker while staring at a ceiling fan to seek out a prime viewing location within their vicinity and soak in this boring-as-shit sight in the sky—if they’re not too busy having their simple minds blown by a garage door going up and down, that is. So, go ahead and knock yourselves out, and then maybe go drool over a square or a big red fucking fire truck after you’re done.”
Yup, it’s official: Monday’s going to be a special day for smooth-brains who take pleasure in gawking at shapes. Kudos to NASA for keeping all the black-circle idiots up to speed on this one!