Well, this is definitely the coolest science news you’ll read all day! A new report from a multidisciplinary group of marine biologists just offered up some fascinating insights into one of the ocean’s most beloved creatures: Scientists have announced that even though dolphins are very smart for animals, there’s no way they could ever replace human scientists.
Wow! These amazing animals might have highly advanced cognitive functions, but according to this research, they’re staying inside the ocean and the hell out of the lab.
“Dolphins are easily some of the smartest animals in the animal kingdom, but that doesn’t mean they can just do our jobs,” states the two-page report titled “Dolphins: Can They Replace Scientists?” which was released today. “Even if they possessed the mental capacity to make hypotheses—which they don’t—their flippers are unable to grasp important scientific tools such as beakers and scalpels. Plus there’s no way they’d be able to complete all the schooling since they live in the ocean.”
“That said, they are still impressively intelligent,” it added. “But only by animal standards.”
While dolphins have been the subject of numerous research experiments, this report is the first to emphatically state in black-and-white language that even if they tried, they still could not even become a lab technician, which is the worst kind of scientist. The report was based on the research of over 1,100 professionals at the top of their fields, who each signed a statement that they were 100 percent certain that dolphins will never take their jobs, even going as far as stating, “Good luck with that, dolphins.”
Thanks to this awesome study, it looks like we have a whole new way of viewing the animal kingdom. So next time you see a dolphin, remember, they’re not just an animal, they’re an animal who is going to stay in their fucking lane and not publish any competing scientific papers anytime soon!