This is a tough read, but it’s something people need to know about.

America is one of the most prosperous countries in the world, yet over the last few decades an especially pernicious facet of income inequality has become a painful reality for countless people: Orgy deserts in poor communities are leaving millions of Americans with no access to masked fuck soirees.

Heartbreaking. This is absolutely heartbreaking.

For people living in these lower-income neighborhoods, the nearest orgy can be as far away as five miles from their home, and that can feel like 500 miles for households without their own vehicles. Underfunded public transit leaves entire sections of cities without reliable access to parties where a stranger in a bird mask will invite you to explore forbidden pleasures of the flesh, and profit-obsessed developers only make the problem worse. Office buildings and parking garages might make their owners money, but they don’t provide the community with the dreamlike sexual outlets they so desperately need. Can you imagine having to take three separate trains just to be oiled up by an anonymous man wearing only an ibis mask?

Rural communities are just as vulnerable to orgy deserts as urban areas, albeit for slightly different reasons. While finding space is less of a problem, tracking down the sex swings and blindfolded jazz quartets necessary can be almost impossible out in the country. Low population density alone makes it a challenge to get the numbers for a genuine fuckfest, and even the nicest handcrafted wolf mask isn’t enough to provide true anonymity in small disadvantaged towns where everyone knows everyone else. Wealthy families can move to areas with more vibrant sex cults, but for the less well-off, there just aren’t many options for ritualized bang masquerades.

The barriers aren’t just geographic either. Americans without college educations are unlikely to know the obscure 18th-century operas used as passwords to aristocratic fuck mansions, severely limiting their opportunities to be spit-roasted by unknown partygoers as a robed officiant solemnly swings his incense burner around their genitals. Rich families will hand down passwords from generation to generation, ensuring their continued access to these fuckstravaganzas, but the poor have nothing to rely on but guesswork. Almost everyone has their own painful story about being turned away at the gate for saying “Les Boréades” when they should have said “Die Zauberflöte.” And on the rare occasion that someone can guess the password and acquire the cloak and tuxedo needed for entry, they’ll still be marked as an outsider by their butterfly masks cobbled together out of shoelaces and paper plates.

Devastating. There’s just no way to win in this system.

“It’s not that these people stay at home to have boring, missionary sex because they’re lazy,” explains Dr. Eliza Medallis, a sociologist focusing on orgy access in the Pacific Northwest. “It’s that when you’re faced with all these hurdles, having a stranger in a jester mask eat your ass on a palanquin hoisted by eight glistening bodybuilders isn’t even an option. They’ve been set up to fail, and that’s society’s fault, not theirs.”

Even when people manage to escape their situation, orgy deserts leave scars that can last a lifetime. A person raised in an orgy desert might never learn how to wordlessly insert themselves into a foursome, or the proper foot placement for ideal weight distribution in a Milanese hexagon. Something as seemingly obvious as the etiquette on watching someone else fuck can be baffling to people with no orgy experience, so the next time someone claps while you’re going down on a stranger in a golden birdcage, just take them aside and tell them that an owl call is the preferred way for voyeurs to announce their own sexual climax. You can’t ever make up for a lifetime of missed experience, but you can at least treat such individuals’ hardship with compassion and grace.

Wow. It’s sobering to realize that this kind of scarcity can still exist in the richest country on Earth. Here’s hoping we can make these wild incognito bacchanals something every American can take for granted.

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