There’s been an absolute explosion in services offering a deep dive into the minutiae of your family tree. If you’ve been itching to try one, we may have found your next obsession: Ancestry.com will now tell you which of your ancestors were so hot it would’ve been hard to resist committing incest with them!
Wow! There’s never been a better time to get in touch with your roots.
With just a simple saliva sample, Ancestry.com can now tell you if any of your relatives had enough raw sexual magnetism to subvert your moral compass and commit the ultimate sin. Whether you’re descended from an überhot Scandinavian handmaiden or a square-jawed Zulu chieftain, Ancestry.com is here to help you daydream about the club-footed, cognitively stunted children you could have borne with your sexy forebearers, who are only hotter because of how forbidden it is.
It is truly amazing how technology can be used to bridge the past and the present!
Ancestry.com’s newest feature isn’t just a cut-and-dried assessment of hereditary hotness, either. The site will also identify which distant relatives on your mom’s side would have pushed you into the root cellar of the family barn as you both rip off each other’s clothes in blind passion while whispering “We musn’t, we musn’t!” The comprehensive service can also pinpoint which Reformation-era Western European family members would have unfortunately succumbed to the bubonic plague before consummating your shameful affair. And a special asterisk next to certain names even indicates less physically blessed relatives that you may have chosen to pity-fuck based solely on their personality.
Incredible. This just goes to show that family ties can transcend generations. Thanks, Ancestry.com, for making the past come to life. Sign us up!