We Already Knew The NSA Spies On Us. We Already Know Everything. Everything Is Boring.

Last month, revelations that the NSA kept a long-term database of Americans’ calls to foreign countries sparked a wave of outrage, but if you haven’t been paying attention, it’s time for a wake-up call: We already knew the NSA kept phone records.

In fact, we already knew everything. Everything is boring now.

Because yes, we’ve been aware for a long time that the NSA monitors domestic calls and international calls. And yes, we even knew they tapped the phones of world leaders. And yes, it’s been public knowledge that they could monitor cell phones, social networks, and chat rooms at will.


But did we know they could use all the information they collect and feed it through facial-recognition software?

Yes. We knew that too. Journalists wrote thousands of words about it. And we read those words. Then people wrote thousands of words about those words, and we read the new words, so now we’ve read all the words! There are no more words to read or write about the NSA.

Nothing is interesting. We are done.

Because we’ve known what’s been going on for years. We knew the CIA spied on Congress. We knew they then lied about it. We knew that human beings, in general, lie. It is impossible to surprise us. We know the NSA will continue to spy on us. We know the leaks will keep happening and the U.S. will keep ignoring them. We know the NSA can find out who’s using WikiLeaks. We know they can install fake SIM cards. We are omniscient now. We know about all snooping, all deceit—past, present, and future. We know and see the darkness in the heart of man. Knowledge bores us, and mostly we only know a bleak sadness.


We are beyond the singularity. There is no such thing as news to us. We know exactly what the next century will be like, and more. We know sitting is bad for you. We know we are ruining the environment. We know the scores of all tomorrow’s sports matches, all the winners of all the important championships. We know the day of the earth’s death, and the days of our own. We know that power is everything, language is nothing, and that the very idea of mystery is a childish myth.

We already know you are reading this. We know when you will forget it. Accidents do not exist. We know everything, we are bored, and we are already so very, very tired.


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