Some of the biggest names in fast food just announced a brilliant new plan aimed at maintaining profitability while keeping prices low: All the major fried chicken chains in the U.S. have collectively agreed to start selling fried pelican instead of chicken because they can just find pelicans for free outside.
Genius! They’ll be teaching this in business schools for years to come.
In a joint statement released this morning, a group of more than a dozen prominent fried chicken chains including KFC, Popeyes, Chick-Fil-A, and Zaxby’s, revealed that moving forward, they will be adopting pelican meat as their primary protein, as there are loads of pelicans wandering around in America’s parks and swamplands, totally free for the taking, that can be easily rounded up in U-Hauls and efficiently slaughtered with baseball bats.
Altogether the move will save the chains billions of dollars a year in wholesale poultry costs, making it a no-brainer from a financial standpoint. And by coordinating a simultaneous transition from chicken to pelican meat across all the major chicken restaurant chains, it will encourage consumers to quickly adapt to the change, as chicken meat will no longer be available to them at a fast food price point.
“We are excited to share that, after years of shouldering the exorbitant costs of raising and processing chickens, America’s fried chicken restaurants are now going 100% pelican,” the statement read. “Pelicans are very slow and stupid, making it incredibly easy to just walk up to them and stuff them in a duffel bag, which is how we will source them for our restaurants now. Pelicans have a lot more meat on them than chickens, meaning we’ll be able to get much more mileage out of every bird, and once they are deep-fried and seasoned, consumers will hardly notice the acrid, oily flavor you get from birds raised on fish- and litter-based diets.”
“Now, instead of consumers paying $2.50 for a measly chicken breast that earns the restaurant $.06 in profit, consumers can pay $2.50 for a pelican breast the size of a catcher’s mitt that generates over $2 in profit,” the statement continued. “It’s a win-win for everyone.”
The move will likely be welcomed by animal rights groups, who have long criticized the restaurants for their industrial poultry operations but will now be hard-pressed to find any ethical qualms with the sourcing of pelicans, as they are free-range birds that have been raised in the wild and are far too ugly to feel sympathy for. Additionally, having guys catch pelicans in a park is exponentially better for the environment than factory farming, making it a huge win for the planet as well.
Wow! It’s too bad they didn’t think to do this years ago.
It’s hard to see this as anything but a good thing in virtually every single regard. Kudos to these restaurants for not only coming up with this amazing idea but also uniting together to implement it. We can’t wait to hit up our local chicken chain for an eight-piece bucket of delicious fried pelican!