Hope you’re ready for a good cry, because this tragic story is the most heartbreaking thing you’re going to read all day: When this lonely 9-year-old brought two roasted chickens to life by pumping them full of electricity, the roasted chickens started having sex with each other instead of going on adventures with him.
Devastating. That poor kid must be feeling horrible.
Nine-year-old Kyle Hardaway thought he’d finally found some friends that would play with him when he hooked up two roasted rotisserie chickens to a set of jumper cables in his garage and electrified them with a current of 9,000 watts. Sadly, as soon as Kyle pumped the chickens full of electricity, they stood up on their crispy drumstick legs, walked over to each other, and began humping like crazy while Kyle looked on in complete disappointment.
Unfortunately, the story only gets more tragic from there. When Kyle meekly approached the living rotisserie chickens and said, “Hi, I’m Kyle. Let’s be friends,” the roasted chickens just thrust at each other and rubbed their glistening, greasy bodies against one another, and one of them dismissively swatted at Kyle with one of its steaming-hot chicken-wing arms as if to say, “Get away from us, we’re fucking.”
By now, Kyle probably regrets ever bringing these two roasted chickens to life by jolting them with a powerful electrical current. Kyle’s tried everything to get the rotisserie chickens to stop having sex with each other so they can play with him, and nothing’s worked. When the lonesome 9-year-old rolled the football toward the two roasted chickens in the hopes that they’d stop having sex and roll it back to him, the roasted chickens each took turns humping the football before immediately resuming having sex with each other again. And when Kyle dragged a cardboard box into the garage and asked the chickens if they wanted to climb inside of it and play astronaut with him, the roasted chickens responded by crawling underneath his parents’ car to continue their rhythmic-yet-energetic lovemaking.
If this tale of sorrow doesn’t move you to tears, then you officially have no soul. At one point the chickens died again, and Kyle electrocuted them once more to make them come to life so that they could hang out with him. But once the electricity brought the rotisserie chickens back to life, they simply started having sex again. The more electricity Kyle pumped into the romantically entangled rotisserie chickens, the more vigorous and enthusiastic their lovemaking became.
This is so, so sad. All Kyle wanted was a couple of friends to spend time with, but the roasted chickens he brought to life with electricity couldn’t be less interested in playing with him. All they want to do is have sex and then die again, leaving Kyle all on his own. Hopefully Kyle can find some real friends soon who want to spend time with him instead of having sex with each other in his garage!