Well, this was almost a real tragedy.
According to his publicist, Harrison Ford is currently recovering after being pursued by an enamored Loch Ness Monster. The incident occurred earlier today while the Indiana Jones star was on vacation in Scotland, waterskiing in Loch Ness. Things were going well until Ford tried to balance on one leg, which caused him to lose control of his waterskis, tumble through the air, and crash onto a dock that was being painted, dousing the actor head to toe with bright green paint.
Although the Hollywood hunk avoided injury, witnesses say that as soon as Ford turned green, the enormous saurian head of the Loch Ness Monster extended out of the water. When the aquatic reptile glimpsed Harrison Ford, its eyes briefly turned into pink hearts before the cryptozoological beast blushed and batted a pair of long, feminine eyelashes.
Ford was removing a paint can off his foot when he noticed a huge shadow blotting out the sun. Turning around, the Star Wars celeb was shocked to find Nessie resting her flippers on the edge of the dock and leaning forward to kiss Ford with gigantic red lips the size of his entire body. The terrified actor reacted by jumping out of his shoes, screaming “Ah-oooga” like an antique car horn, then landing back inside his shoes and sprinting away into the lakeside town.
When the mythical creature noticed she was smooching empty air, the Loch Ness Monster plunged forward through the dock, smashing the entire structure to splinters as she pursued Ford onto land. Although the prehistoric paramour was holding a bus-sized bouquet of flowers and an equally gigantic heart-shaped box of chocolates, the sight of these romantic gifts did not convince Ford to slow down. By all accounts, the frightened A-lister ran so quickly that his legs transformed into a spinning circular blur that produced the sound of bongo drums.
Despite Ford’s frenetic pace, the Loch Ness Monster was able to effortlessly catch up thanks to her titanic lizard legs. She coiled her neck around Ford like a boa constrictor and gave the helpless Golden Globe winner a flurry of loud, wet kisses. Thinking quickly, Ford made his arms extend 20 feet like wobbly spaghetti noodles so he could reach over the fence of a nearby farm and grab a placidly grazing sheep. When his arms retracted with the livestock, Ford swapped the ewe for himself and managed to escape while an unsuspecting Loch Ness Monster continued kissing the wooly animal.
By the time the Loch Ness Monster realized she had been duped, Ford had already hidden under the kilt of a bagpipe player who was marching through the town streets as part of a Scottish pride parade. The Loch Ness Monster began weeping forlorn tears as big as cars into an oversized lace handkerchief. In her grief, she sat down on a bakery, crushing the building and sending up an immense cloud of flour that made the lake dweller’s scaly skin turn white.
Reportedly, as soon as Ford saw the now-pale behemoth, the actor mistook the Loch Ness Monster for a sexy Caucasian woman, and his eyes briefly turned into pink hearts. Ford ran out of his hiding place, bent down on one knee, and produced a sparkling diamond ring to propose marriage.
The Loch Ness Monster delightedly accepted the betrothal and leaned down to give Ford a long, passionate kiss. Church bells began ringing, and the two tied the knot at a nearby cathedral before a cheering crowd of wedding guests that were human on the groom’s side and plesiosaurs on the bride’s side. Harrison Ford and his immense reptilian bride lived together for many happy years in a giant cottage big enough for Loch Ness Monster to fit in. The couple eventually produced a clutch of eggs that hatched into dozens of human-monster hybrids, producing varied creatures including a human boy with an enormously long dinosaur neck and head, a lizard with young Harrison Ford’s wild brown hair, and a 50-foot-tall girl with flippers instead of arms.
After decades of blissful marriage, when the Loch Ness Monster was wrinkled and had gray hair, Harrison Ford peacefully died of old age in his sleep. The Loch Ness Monster wore a black widow’s veil to his funeral and hugged their grieving chimeric children as Ford’s coffin was lowered into the ground below a tombstone with only “R.I.P.” inscribed upon it. The priest officiating the ceremony was Bigfoot, and the clergical apeman was overheard saying “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust” in a dignified British accent.
Following the funeral’s conclusion, an ambulance rushed into the graveyard and paramedics hastily exhumed Ford’s corpse. Fortunately, they were able to revive the embalmed, tuxedo-wearing actor with an electric shock from a defibrillator, and Ford is now comfortably resting in a hospital.
A tweet by Ford’s son from a previous marriage confirmed that the star avoided serious injury despite his lengthy ordeal:
Get better soon, Harrison! We’re all pulling for you!