New Exercise Guidelines: The American Heart Association Has Announced That That Guy Who Runs At Like 9 P.M. Every Night Can Cool It

Staying active is key to maintaining physical health, but experts are now insisting that there’s no need to overdo it. According to a new guideline from the American Heart Association, the guy who goes on a run at, like, 9 p.m. every night can probably cool it.

Seriously, dude: Just relax.

The AHA sent out a press release earlier today stating that, while it’s all fine and well that that night-jogger guy is dedicated to maintaining a healthy lifestyle, getting his five miles in every day after the sun’s already gone down is honestly overkill.


“Yes, it’s true that running is a great cardiovascular exercise with many health benefits, but after a certain point in the day, you should really just watch TV or go to bed,” said the press release. “When it’s dark out and you see a sweaty guy in his little running shorts stretching and jogging on the side of the road, it’s kind of weird—almost unsettling in a way. Like, unless you’re training for the Olympics or something, just cool it. You’re not impressing anyone.”

“And what’s with all those futuristic-looking heart-monitoring gadgets and reflective shirts and stuff?” the press release continued. “This isn’t fucking Tron. You’re not living in a cyber-world, buddy. Just wear basketball shorts and an old T-shirt like the rest of us.”


The AHA also encouraged the guy to consider reallocating some of the time he regularly spends physically exhausting himself in the blackness of night to meet up with friends or to bond with his family instead, because, unlike night jogging, those are normal things to do. And though they conceded that it’s not technically unhealthy to go out running at a late hour when most people are either socializing or winding down for the day, they did state that there is something kind of sad and pitiful about it—like, what the hell is this guy trying to prove? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than scurry around in the dark wearing a weird belt with water bottles on it?

So there you have it. Looks like the night-jogger guy can probably take things down a couple notches from now on, and perhaps even get his jogging done in the morning or right after work like everyone else. Kudos to the American Heart Association for keeping everyone up to date about how to exercise like a reasonable person!


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