Brace yourself, Pixar fans, because this one’s going to hurt.
Yesterday, the 3D animation company released a scathing statement that took many of its most loyal followers by surprise. According to the announcement, Pixar’s chief creative officer John Lasseter is extremely disappointed that nobody has created any Toy Story fan fiction disgusting enough to make him vomit.
Since the original Toy Story was released in 1995, Lasseter said that he’s been combing through thousands of fan works in hopes of discovering some nightmarish body puzzle involving Buzz, Woody, and the gang that could make him so violently ill that he loses control of his digestive tract, but unfortunately, none has come even close.
“After giving you over 20 years and a trilogy worth of Toy Story source material, not a single one of you has produced a piece of fan fiction so awful that I get even the slightest bit nauseous,” said Lasseter, addressing the public in his statement. “Look, Mr. Potato Head having all his limbs removed and getting fisted into every single one of his empty limb holes just isn’t going to make me vomit. And, I shouldn’t have to say this, but neither is Sid melting all the toys together into a screaming, sexually aroused orgy of plastic.”
According to Pixar executives, Lasseter is extremely disappointed by Pixar fans across the board. The CEO has reportedly searched the web using hundreds of disgusting keywords, including “Rex Reassembles Himself (EXPLICIT),” “Emperor Zurg Rails Stretched Slinky Dog,” and “Woody Succumbs To Soldier Sex Army (Japanese),” yet not once has he had to get up and run to the bathroom.
“I’ve read your stories about Buzz Lightyear drowning in a helmet bubble full of cum, and I’ve read your fantasies about the aliens fucking Andy’s parents,” continued Lasseter. “But it does nothing for me. I’ve gone to the deepest, darkest parts of the web, and people are totally ignoring the fact that when Andy goes to college, he could learn a bunch of nasty stuff and bring it back to the toys that would definitely make me vomit.”
“Maybe it’s as simple as bringing in the Pizza Planet delivery guy, or having Stinky Pete the prospector fuck the Chicken Man’s mouth. I honestly couldn’t tell you the exact combination of characters and storylines that will make me ill, but maybe it involves making Andy’s sister 69 his dog, Buster, until they both die? It’s worth a shot.”
Well, it’s a sad day for Pixar fans everywhere. Despite all the filthy narratives that loyal viewers have produced on the internet today, it still, unfortunately, isn’t enough for Mr. Lasseter. Here’s to hoping Pixar’s CEO finds the disgusting fan fiction he’s looking for soon, and hurls after reading it!