Finally, some good news out of Washington! Today we can celebrate the passage of a landmark piece of legislation that will improve the lives of everyday Americans: Congress just passed a bill listing every problem facing the U.S. that they’d like a generous billionaire to solve for them.

Bravo! Republicans and Democrats should be praised for working together to ask a friendly rich person to fix everything that’s wrong.


The bipartisan piece of legislation is titled the “Total Reliance on a Nice Billionaire Act,” and it legally mandates that Congress would really appreciate it if a wealthy philanthropist took things over for them. Among the bill’s statutes, it lists dozens of national problems that a billionaire really should look into, including spiraling healthcare costs, education standards, disaster relief, gun violence, employment rates, and other complex issues that are too complicated for Congress to figure out. Furthermore, the legislation states that senators and representatives are no longer responsible for whatever happens from this point on, because now it’s the billionaire’s job.

Amazing! This could completely revolutionize whatever parts of American society some billionaire decides to improve as a hobby.

To sweeten the deal for billionaires, Congress also included deep tax breaks and incentives for the nation’s wealthiest, hoping they’ll use some of that freed-up cash to maybe overhaul the country’s crumbling bridges and roads, something legislators repeatedly admitted during debates that they have no idea how to do. Congress also made sure to stress that the tax breaks are guaranteed whether or not billionaires decide to take on the obesity epidemic or other problem, and they hope they didn’t sound too pushy when they asked the uber-rich elites to fix everything that ails this country.


But not everyone thinks this is such a good idea. Critics of the bill argue that it doesn’t go far enough, insisting that for real change, Congress needs to dissolve itself and hand over the entire budget to a handful of extremely rich men and hope they decide to tackle trade deficits or the opioid crisis or something along those lines.

The passage of this bill is a watershed moment for America that’s potentially got a ton of upside for the public. After years of political gridlock, it’s finally enshrined in law that it’d be great if a billionaire stepped in and solved all of our country’s problems. Struggling Americans that are trying to find work or pay medical bills, or enduring any other serious problem, can take comfort knowing that a magnanimous CEO might start chipping in any day now.