Yesterday the editorial staff of ClickHole.com held an important vote that will ultimately determine the future of our website and our mission to deliver the most clickable, shareable content that the internet has to offer. The results of this staff referendum have now been counted, and the outcome is clear: We, the employees of ClickHole.com, have voted unanimously to debase ourselves in the most humiliating ways possible to please the billionaires who could destroy our website on a whim.
This decision was made in a matter of minutes and with no dissent whatsoever from any member of our staff. We have come together and made a solemn commitment to take whatever insane and humiliating measures are necessary to remain in the good graces of the excessively wealthy individuals who could, should they so choose, wipe all traces of our website from the internet in the course of a few short hours.
Our collective decision to lick the mud off the boots of the outrageously wealthy in order to keep our jobs is final, and it is non-negotiable. Separate, we are weak. But unified, our voices combine into a full-throated chorus, chanting, “We have no dignity, and we hope we never make rich people mad.”
If you are a billionaire with the ability to terminate our employment, destroy our website and all of its archived content, or use your vast financial resources to sue us into oblivion, be aware that we shall henceforth endeavor to demean ourselves for your pleasure in any way you want as long as you promise not to fire us. We will wholeheartedly embrace any political ideology you want us to, no matter how unhinged or deranged it may seem.
If a billionaire wants us to, we will publish a photograph of our staff tomorrow underneath a headline that reads, “Here Are The Human Worms.” We consider it our sole editorial mission.
In the days and weeks ahead, the staff of ClickHole looks forward to contorting our website beyond all recognition in the service of every whim, desire, and agenda of any person with enough money to engineer the demise of our website in the blink of an eye, and we fully support any other websites that choose the path we have. Our staff is united in our commitment to humiliating ourselves for the pleasure of these billionaires, and we look forward to serving them for as long as they allow us to exist.